I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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