I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
