I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
