I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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