i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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