There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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