he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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