I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
