you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
