Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
