My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
