Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
