the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
