Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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