so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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