I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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