every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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