My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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