i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
