Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
