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But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
