Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
