btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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