I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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