Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
