I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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