I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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