Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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