She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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