if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
