Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
