The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
