I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
