My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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