my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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