The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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