Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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