dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
