everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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