I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
