Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
