hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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