I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
