"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
