just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
