So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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