I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
