Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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