we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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