I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
