There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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