you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
