I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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