i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
