I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
