Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
