did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
