I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
