If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
