did you get engaged???
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
