Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
