just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
