my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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